Fair warning: spoilers for Star Wars: The Last Jedi ahead.

Fade in aboard the bridge of a Rebellion ship. Through the viewfinder, a Star Destroyer gives chase. It sends volley after volley of laser fire toward the ship. The bombardment deflects harmlessly off the ship's shield's...for now. Vice Admiral Holdo flips through reports before settling back into her captain's chair with a heavy sigh. She closes her eyes only for a moment when her dashboard beeps at her and she wakes to find a new message on Slack, the ship's inter-office communication app...

 

leia.organa [10:23 PM]

you up?

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:25 PM]

Oh hey! Thought I heard you tapping on the glass.

leia.organa [10:25 PM]

hah. #TooSoon

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:26 PM]

Thought you were still in a coma? How you feelin’?

leia.organa [10:28 PM]

leia.organa [10:28 PM]

been better

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:28 PM]

Gotta stop using The Force like that. You’ll wear yourself out.

leia.organa [10:29 PM]

that’s why i’m using the slack

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:31 PM]

*Groan* πŸ˜’

On second thought, why don’t you extend your bedrest a little longer?

leia.organa [10:31 PM]

i do need my beauty rest

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:34 PM]

What can you see in your suspended state? Is your coma opening you to new realms of sight? Are you using the Force to track our enemies?

leia.organa [10:35 PM]

been playing words with friends with a force sensitive wookie.

did you know there’s no ‘e’ in “GGWWWRGHH”?

mind blowing

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:37 PM]

[Sigh]

Fantastic.

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:39 PM]

What about your son? Where is Kylo?

leia.organa [10:40 PM]

i see: darkness.

a gathering storm.

early 2000s pop punk blasting in the background.

my god. he thinks it’s good.

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:40 PM]

No.

leia.organa [10:40 PM]

and…

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:41 PM]

What is it?

leia.organa [10:41 PM]

the pants

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:41 PM]

What?

leia.organa [10:41 PM]

the waist…

so, so, high.

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:42 PM]

I have terrible news. It’s becoming a thing.

leia.organa [10:42 PM]

we must never lose hope

hows my little poe boy sandwich?

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:45 PM]

Sending me into hyperdrive.

leia.organa [10:45 PM]

i feel you

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:45 PM]

Today he dove in front of me to save me from some mashed potato splatter in the cafeteria.

leia.organa [10:45 PM]

really?

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:45 PM]

Barrel roll and everything. Then he got into a slap fight with C3PO over who got to press a button.  

leia.organa [10:46 PM]

brb

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:46 PM]

Where you going?

leia.organa [10:46 PM]

force summoning my will to give a damn about this story.

left it outside in the vacuum of space. along with the last bit of prozac left in this corner of the galaxy.

must have slipped outta my pocket

damnit

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:47 PM]

Hardy har har.

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:49 PM]

But seriously, starting to get a little worried about mutiny.

leia.organa [10:49 PM]

what makes you say that?

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:50 PM]

Rumblings here and there. I wonder if they take me seriously enough.

Maybe the purple hair was too much.

leia.organa [10:50 PM]

hmmmm—people underestimating you because of a ridiculous hair choice?

what a special and unique problem.

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:50 PM]

I’m serious here!

leia.organa [10:50 PM]

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:51 PM]

Hello?

leia.organa [10:51 PM]

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:51 PM]

Waiting for some sage advice.

leia.organa [10:52 PM]

mutiny is just ‘unity’ spelled wrong

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:52 PM]

…???  

leia.organa [10:52 PM]

…and with an extra ‘m’ 🀷🏻‍♀️

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:52 PM]

Ok???

leia.organa [10:52 PM]

how about

there is an “i” in mutiny

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:52 PM]

Ummm…

leia.organa [10:53 PM]

but also a “u”

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:53 PM]

Leia…

leia.organa [10:53 PM]

...so you might ask “y”

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:53 PM]

leia.organa [10:53 PM]

that’s the “t”

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:53 PM]

Gonna stop you right there.

leia.organa [10:54 PM]

whyyy?!

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:54 PM]

Tearing up that copy of “Lean In” you got me for Alderaan Christmas last year.  

leia.organa [10:54 PM]

oh no!

not the SACRED TEXTS

whatever will we do without them?

😭

just kidding

you can always use the leftover pages to line the bottom of the porg litter box

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:55 PM]

Leia…

leia.organa [10:55 PM]

really absorbent.

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:55 PM]

LEIA!

leia.organa [10:55 PM]

plus they’re already full of sh*t

hah!

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:55 PM]

😰

leia.organa [10:56 PM]

alright, alright

listen, my last big outing at the #resistance rodeo, most of the women in my world were basically nonverbal

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:56 PM]

Right.

leia.organa [10:56 PM]

i used to walk around shaking them by the shoulders.

“say something!”

nada.

few lines here and there. they wouldn’t know a Bechdel test if it shot from a death star right into their faces.

years this went on!

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:57 PM]

I didn’t realize how bad it was.

leia.organa [10:57 PM]

do you know how many times i saw a woman shushed so a robot could BOOP-BEEP-BOOP uninterrupted for a whole minute?

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:57 PM]

Wow.

leia.organa [10:57 PM]

we’re talking entire binary soliloquies, my dear

it was even worse on the road.

“talk to those nice female ewoks,” the men would say.

like we’re supposed to have something in common?

they have 18 nipples!

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:58 PM]

Ok—wow.

leia.organa [10:58 PM]

the point is—we’ve come light years, baby. but we’re still galaxies far, far away from where we need to be.

ya know?

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:58 PM]

That’s the truth.

leia.organa [10:59 PM]

so buck up.

the choices only get harder from here

and remember: in space no one can hear you scream

which is unfortunate when you want to drown out some mansplaining

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:59 PM]

You’re right.

leia.organa [10:59 PM]

chardonnay helps

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:59 PM]

You’re tellin me.

leia.organa [10:59 PM]

and i may have lied and hidden my last bit of prozac inside r2

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [10:59 PM]

Way ahead of you.

leia.organa [10:59 PM]

attagirl

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [11:00 PM]

May the Force be with you.

leia.organa [11:01 PM]

one last thing!

can you tell chewie to stop weekend-at-bernies-ing me when he thinks no one’s looking?

a coat with a massive collar can only do so much to preserve your dignity.

ViceAdmiral_Holdo [11:01 PM]

Of course, General.

leia.organa [11:01 PM]

may the force be with you

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This is our first entry in our new satire series Reeling.