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Summary

The North American Sasquatch is a megafaunal bipedal hominoid, also known as "Bigfoot," "Nuk-luk" or "Woolybooger." Both female and male alike are considered to be highly promiscuous and generally lack discretion in regard to hygiene. The male Sasquatch unceremoniously abandons the female immediately upon impregnation. This leaves the female to fend for herself during the intense seventy-two hour labor period. The standard birthing posture is upright, scientifically referred to as "Inverted Supine" or "Gravity-Fed Style." Traditionally, a tree serves as the midwife; seizing it by its trunk, the female is provided with ample protection, leverage and stability. Once the female's water breaks (approx. six gallons in volume) she seeks out a secluded deciduous tree, its trunk an average of three feet in diameter, thick enough to support the expecting mother and her firm embrace. Typically the female Sasquatch tends to avoid trees of the coniferous variety when making her choice. There are two theories behind this: (1) the sap/tar secretions are a nuisance during the already complicated birthing process; and (2) to avoid exposure to pine nuts (which are considered toxic to the Sasquatch newborn).

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